Sometimes I think I should learn to keep my mouth shut or my fingers tied.

It seems that I have been 'complaining' too much for people's understanding.
It is almost that I am trying to seek some attention and/or some pity.
I scorned!

All bruised!

The truth is...

Well...Put it like this.

I never look at myself in any light of pitiness.
I never want any people to look at me in that manner.
If it doesnt help things,I may just be a sick attention seeker in ur opinion.

This place.This blog. Is only my avenue of escapism.
Often I am trapped by the outside,I need somewhere to 'cry' on so I wont bring my sadness with the break of dawn.

My fear of too many people reading all these craps is because I am afraid to be deem vulnerable to the eyes of them.
And then result in the things I dun wanna invite,as mentioned above.

I dun like to make open my internal fear and struggle,my family and all.
Not that I dun like to share and think any one of my friends couldnt be trust to listen.
It is just that...I dun feel and know how to relate to you.
And again,it doesnt affect you.

What you are reading is just an internal personal struggle which you may or may not relate to in a way or another.
Everyone is different.
Like I've said,everyone has their own battle to fight,own field to run in.

Sometimes I dont need support or kind words or even advises.
All I seek for is an understanding.

It is not much of a plight.

I will breathe every minute that I can and still appreciate the fact that I am.

This morning I woke up feeling ready.
I sealed that kinda raw pain behind.

But I guess some days are bad.
It is not much of a smooth day at work today.

Infact almost every day at work,I can feel my stomach tightening.
I can hardly enjoy my lunch.
Most of the time I am too tired to too.

Perhaps the seal wasnt strong enough to ward off today.
I wasnt thinking of all that I thought but still it is paining somewhere.

I've been thinking,as I took short breathes in the toilet.
Looking at the mirror,I saw me sobbing away.
I frowned with disgust and disapproval and walked off.

If someone,at least some voice can tell me that he/she understands,I may feel better.

See...

Lemme tell u one last tale about me that shaped me to who I am today.

I am very fortunate to have a roof over my head,my brothers,and of coz my parents who are still together though they are never the most loving couple on earth.

The loneliness fell in love with me since young.
I often looked at kids at wondered why their parents have so much time to play with them.
I grew up envying my friends whose parents have time to do thethings that I never even experienced before.

But I am thankful.
That till now I have a healthy body and my familys' too.

I know my parents dote on my younger one thus allowing him many of the privileges that I never knew.
The reason I was told one day hurted me.
My mum told me that she never had much time for my bro since he were young.
Jealousy made me think what about me?

But I am thankful.
That I snapped outta that and is ready to lead.

I remembered the nights that I cried.
I am always crying in my room.All dark and alone.
I never let anyone see my tears.
Tears of my fears.
I will not.

But I am thankful.
That at least I can still cry.
The day without tears would have meant that I dont care anyone.

Dun ask me to shake off that responsibilty that I have to bear.
It may seem insignificant to you and you dont understand why I make such a big deal outta it.

I am living my 20th year and then close to another one more.

I am trying my best to take what I can,and then more.

But please dont ask me to relax.

I cant.
You dont understand.

My parents cant be slogging all their lives,as if they havent done enough.
A few years more than half a century is how old my parents are.
My brother is still 16.
So young.So ignorant yet.
I dun have to repeat again and again about my elder brother.
I dun like putting him to shame and I dont think he quite deserved the words of others.
Much as I dun look up to him,but that is much as I would love him too.

If I can bear,which I CANT to see my parents working and worrying for this family for a few more good years.

I finished my education as far as I am concerned.
Any further would be causing more harm than necessarily now.
It's closing a year since I graduated.

If there is any mistakes,fun that I would want.
This is enough.

How do you expect me to be worry and burden free when I am me!

I dun blame the world for it.
I am very glad that I have the chance to.

The worse would be you never have the chance to.
The wrong would be you never know that you should take the chance to.

Sigh..

Look at the night skies.
Maybe you can see a twinkle or two.
Maybe you can feel the gentle breeze singing to you.

But I am too scare of the night sometimes.

Yes..It is beautiful and peaceful.

But somehow at times like these,it is the night hours that brought all the pain and things you are hiding back to surface.

And you know what is more painful for me?

It can be the fact that I am forever seeing myself crying and yet cant wipe my own tears and fears.

But I guess it is more of the fact that you are reading this but you never know it.(and gimme something that I dun need.)
(And you dun assumed that you really think who is the "you" that I am talking about.You are wrong,I am telling you that you are wrong.)

Maybe it is my fault for zipping up.

I know I am in conflict of myself.
Its like I want you to know and yet I dun want you to touch me.

Why am I scared?

Think Eowyn.

If you paid attention to that role that's not too special,I hope you think of me too.

Tomorrow will still come.

Tomorrow I still have to fight.

Sometimes perceptions and mentality can be a choice.

But you know..the fate decreed is not.

This is the one last time,I promised.

If I ever need to write about my personal world,I will not post again.

Dun mistood me.

I dun want you to judge me.
Like I never judge you.


This is the last time.

The last time,I let you know that I am crying myself to sleep.

I guess this is only part of why I would cry.
The rest I leave it to the air and let it vapourise.

You who read will read no more of such.

I guess I know the other main reason that pierces but it doesnt concerns you.And you wont care,really.

I am not pemmist.
I wont let myself to be.
At least I care give up the life that I have to fight.

Dream a little dream of....I know it's not me,but well..=)


Good night,my faint dreamer.